Many of you followed along with my pregnancy last year. There were MANY ups and downs, and whether or not you have ever been pregnant or ever want to be, I believe there are nuggets in this story for everyone. At least I hope so! I believe my child is here out of sheer determination. The odds were definitely NOT in my favor. And he is beautiful! You can start at the beginning of the pregnancy saga by following this link: http://mirzukfitness.com/about-me/the-big-reveal/
There is one chapter left to tell- and I have put it off for just about ever. Or at least as long as I could. It’s been one year since this last little incident occurred. Right at my 40th birthday. I did write a little post on my birthday, and did mention that I was on bed rest, but I made the story more about my doggie friend, who needed some last minute surgery. Well, what I left out is that we actually both needed some surgery. It was weird to turn 40 in the middle of all of this. Now, as I’m about to turn 41, I feel like I can tell this story without being a dramatic mushball. Hopefully there is something to gain here.
If you want to read the post from my 40th birthday, follow this link: http://mirzukfitness.com/about-me/fitness-girls-40th-birthday/
Ok, deep breath. Here is the last chapter. I was pregnant with twins.
The reason that I was on bed rest during that trip to take Claire to the vet in Virginia is because I had a test called a CVS. It’s just a different sort of amnio test and it is a bit risky so they want you to stay as still as possible afterwards. It was double risky for me because I was pregnant with twins. A little boy and a little girl.
And then I got a call and Ron and I spent an evening on the phone with my Dr. He told us that the little girl’s brain was growing outside of her skull. He said that she would most likely die later on in the pregnancy and that if she did, she would very likely take the little boy down with her. He also said that if she did go full term that there was no corrective surgery for putting your brain back into your skull and that she would die.
Ok.
Um, so now we get into some challenging territory. Without going into my religious preferences and beliefs I will just tell you that for me- abortion has never been an option. And I think that we are responsible for ourselves and our decisions. Ron and I weighed what seemed to be 3 outcomes:
1- leave the little girl alone and she dies in my body and thus kills the other child
2- leave the little girl alone and she makes it to full term and then dies when she is born
3- protect the other baby by ‘terminating’ the baby girl. And prevent suffering for the little girl. It was still risky for the baby boy, but a much better chance of survival for him. By a longshot.
How do you choose? How did we choose? I don’t know. Judge me if you will, but we went with the 3rd option. And don’t think it was an easy one. It was horrible. Absolutely indescribably horrible. You may have chosen differently, but this is what we did. We knew the baby girl would die any which way you looked at it, and it was possible that the baby boy would die, too. So we protected the baby boy.
I had this information from the dr before the trip to Virginia. And I knew that once I returned I would have to have this procedure done. I am editing the procedure out of this. But I will tell you that I had to lie perfectly still. Which is VERY hard to do when you are sobbing. I had to control myself so as not to let the other baby be harmed. A horrible horrible thing. Which you may not understand. But if you can, compassion will work fine whether you understand or not.
Then I was on bed rest again. It was a LOT of bed rest! Not many people knew that I was pregnant with twins. I am so glad I kept that information to myself until now. It was at 4 months that all this went down, but for some reason I kept my mouth shut. And after this whole thing happened I think I did pretty good with my poker face.
I am tearing up now even though I gave it a full year before writing this. I protected the baby boy. And he is healthy and happy today as a result of our decision. Right or wrong this is what we did. I am still devastated that we found ourselves with such horrible options in this circumstance. But we did our best, what we thought was right at the time. And I love this baby boy so much!
If you have ever found yourself in this position or something similar, or just faced with impossible choices, know that you are not alone!
And that’s the end of my pregnancy saga. No more chapters. Now you can see why I kept this to myself for so long. The story was not complete without this chapter, but I didn’t really want to tell it. Hopefully some positive purpose is served by sharing this with you.
Oh man, your stories give me water works. How horrific for you. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Your decision is the same one I would have made and Shawn is just breathtakingly adorable. I’m so happy for you and Ron. And yes you definitely had a poker face. I had the miscarriage in Oct and had a chemical pregnancy last month. I’m seeing a specialist tomorrow at Columbia. I’m a nervous wreck. Thanks for sharing… your strength is inspiring.
Hi Jen,
Thanks for sharing this! I had no idea about your second go around! A lot of people are coming out of the woodwork from this blog post. They aren’t sharing their ordeals here because they are afraid of being judged. Understandably. I almost didn’t write this post. I put it off for a year! We are all nervous wrecks and we find strength when we need to. You are strong! It’s crazy what some people have gone through to bring their beautiful children into the world. You have my full support 🙂
Miranda, I’m so sorry that you had to make that decision. I’m just weeping with my mouth open. You lived through one of my worst fears and I can’t even imagine just how strong you had to be. One of the first things we were told when we found out we were having twins was that we would have to come back in 2 weeks to make sure there were still 2 heartbeats, and I remember leaving with a fear that I carried through my whole pregnancy, because I had never even ENTERTAINED the idea that something might happen to one of them, and then it became one of my dark of night fears. That you had that happen makes me say a prayer for your girl AND your boy. I’m so sorry that you weren’t able to have both, and yet so glad that you were able to take Shawn to term and that he is perfectly healthy. Whew. Thank you for being brave enough to tell your story. You may never know how many people it will help, but putting it out there is very generous of you.
Jen M., we went to Columbia and loved our doctor. We worked with almost everyone in the office over the course of the whole IVF/ICSI process and they were lovely. Good luck!
Hi Kelly,
Thanks so much for your response! I am so happy to see you so happy with twins! Your whole life has changed- you moved and everything. Me, too! I am so grateful for Shawn. It’s crazy what happened, but it really happens so often and most people just don’t say anything. I just don’t think there’s any reason to go through all of that on your own, you know? And I don’t think you know how strong you are until you’ve got to pull it up, seemingly out of nowhere. But I think we’ve all got it when we need it.
Miranda, how brave of you to share such an amazing story. So many stories out there, and one never knows all that goes on behind the scenes during a pregnancy. I had two miscarriages myself, one before each of my healthy pregnancies.
My sister has also an amazing story: She miscarried the first pregnancy, and then got pregnant with twins naturally. She went for her 8 weeks sonogram, to find out that there was no heartbeat in one, and an empty sack on the other. She scheduled her D&C for 5 days later, and before going in for the procedure, they did one more sonogram: The diagnosis: A vanishing twin… there was heartbeat on one sack, and the empty sack still there. Had they not done the second sonogram, she would have aborted a perfectly healthy pregnancy. The boy is now 6 years old, and I swear he must have two brains, he’s so incredibly smart and articulate for his age.
I’m sure you will always miss your little girl, and wonder what it would have been like having both of them, but this is how things were meant to be, I guess. Enjoy Shawn, he’s really a miracle baby!
Hi Julie,
No, most people do not share what happens in their pregnancies. I’m not sure why. I’m so sorry you went through 2 miscarriages! The worst! No words. And your sister- thank god they did the second sonogram! I often wonder if I should’ve taken my docs word for it. What if I had left her alone- would she have made it ok? However, Ron and I both saw on the sonograms that something wasn’t right with her head. Still, impossible to know if the ‘right’ decision was made. The results are pretty good, though, and I am incredibly grateful for Shawn.